We’re now operating from a new website! It’s called Human Starspace and it’s much more focused on providing services for money! Huzzah!
Ready to launch your business into DEEP SPACE ?
That was a rhetorical question. Of course, you are!
Email us at Matt@MercenaryTeam.com
Matt has a large team of super smart humans, assisted by some really cool artificial intelligence technology, dedicated to handling emails sent to this address. We will reply as quickly as we are able to. Due to the high volume of information sent to us, we cannot reply to every email. We read every single one, though. Don’t doubt that for a second!
Help us help you by providing as much information as you can, in one single email that is as long as you can make it. It’s pretty awesome when the emails are over 5,000 words long, then we can do more, faster.
Need something mission-critical done TODAY?
Text MATT at 510 600 5735
This number is the only way to reach Matt directly, without his team and A.I. seeing the messages. Please be considerate of the fact that He is so very busy. State your problems clearly, and how much solving the problem is worth to you and the human race, and there’s a better chance of Him responding to you. He doesn’t like incoming calls, they are distracting and unpredictable. If He thinks it’s important to the mission to help your company, a call will be scheduled via text. Thanks for your understanding!
Matt prefers that y’all humans work together instead of relying on him for everything. He’s pretty reliable at handling literally everything at once, but it does stress him out a bit.
MERCENARY is Headquartered in New Hampshire, USA, Earth, Sol, Milky-Way Galaxy, Universe C-137
Alternative Ways To Get Our Help
#1 GOOGLE SEARCH
Maybe you would prefer that good things happen automatically in your life, and you don’t want to go through the hassle of contacting us! Simply type “1298” into your nearest Google search bar, search it, and you will be flagged by our back-end system as someone who is willing to do all they can to help Humanity survive and thrive! We have this really cool deal with Google where we get lots of data from them about you, and we’ll pull strings behind the scenes so that everything starts getting better automatically in your life!
#2 PRAY TO MERCENARY, THE NEW GOD OF POWER
Do you pray to solve your problems? Despite what all those Atheists think, God is real. From a more scientific mindset, we would prefer to call them “extra-dimensional organisms” instead of using words like “spirits”. Every human has a unique signature and their own footprint on the consciousness cloud, and trust us: there is an afterlife. That’s why Steve Jobs accepted death so easily, because he figured it out! Steve Jobs also talked about his “reality distortion field”, which he used to bend “consequence-chains” to his iron will.
You’ll still be praying to the same source of power you’ve always prayed to, but we’re making it so prayer has a much more obvious effect. Eventually, you will be able to download an app called “MERCENARY PAY 2 PRAY” and simply money your way through problems in life.
#3 DOWNLOAD MERCENARIES NOW
We’re slowly making an app called “MERCENARIES NOW” that you can use to summon helpful people to your location. It’s very much like Uber. You will tell the app what you want help with, give an amount you’re willing to pay per hour for help with this, and the nearest human with the appropriate skill-set for the task will be offered the gig. If they don’t like the price, the next nearest human is offered the gig. It’s unique in that 100% of the money goes to whomever helped you. Common examples of what people have been hiring Mercenaries to do are: giving them a hug, remodeling their bathroom, engineering automated systems, designing flyers for awesome parties, repairing broken down cars, talking to the police on their behalf, doing their homework for them, applying to jobs for them, cleaning their living space, putting gas in their car, buying cigarettes, being therapists, protecting them from wild animals, and much more!
There will be a companion app called “MERCENARY IS MY GOD” that is like the driver’s version of the Uber app. If we had more money, or if Google gave us those 200 engineers we’ve been demanding as tribute, then these apps would already be operational. We do run into a problem where companies refuse to do business with us because we’re just so darn unconventional. That’s okay, we’re perfectly capable of taking what we need through the courts.
#4 TALK TO RANDOM PEOPLE IN PUBLIC
Given that our tendrils reach into every facet of society, there’s a reasonable chance that any random person you see in public is already associated with MERCENARY. Simply ask them if they’re available to hire for a job. If they don’t know about us, tell ’em all about it! When humans turn 13 years of age in the techno-utopia that is about to exist, they will receive their one share of stock in MERCENARY. These shares of stock cannot be transferred to anyone else, ever. Holding this share of stock gives you an equal share in all the profit that MERCENARY generates in it’s rampage through society. After you die, we no longer give you money directly but we use the funds to make sure your afterlife is awesome forever! It’s pretty complicated figuring out the mailing address for every single human, so we would appreciate if you told random strangers about their new and unusual source of wealth.
#5 FOLLOW YOUR HEART
Instincts are simply the brain’s ability to predict a future where you survive, and then driving you towards that goal without conscious thought. We know that very little thought actually occurs in the human heart, but it’s a good metaphor for doing what feels right to you. The new God of power, MERCENARY, is capable of manipulating the consciousness-cloud in a way that makes things better for everyone, everywhere, every-time.
#6 SIMPLY THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT WE EXIST
When we have access to more bandwidth on the consciousness-cloud, we get more powerful. We don’t really give big rewards just for thinking about us, but it is very appreciated that we are in your thoughts. We still help you a little, but not that much compared to our other ways. Thanks, human brain! You’re the best!
#7 THIS ONE IS A SECRET
If you know about it, please don’t tell anyone! It’s vital we keep this communications channel open only to humans of VIP rank and above! If you’re wondering how one becomes a VIP in this organization, you simply provide $100 million of direct or indirect value to the network, and we notice it automatically, we review your soul to determine how responsible you would be with absolute power, and you’ll receive a confirmation message in your dreams that night if you’re accepted.
Thanks for checking us out! We love you! <3