You Wanted To See The Magic 8 Ball

“My Reply Is No.”

Answered By My Literally Enchanted Magic 8 Ball

Let me explain a bit why you can’t see it or the magic is ruined.

Upon seeing how the Mormon Church was able to accomplish so much by having an artifact from the gods that only one person can look at, I’ve decided to undergo great expense and acquire a blessed secret prophetic object of my own. I travelled the internet to find the most gifted self-proclaimed Messiahs and got them all to bless an ordinary Magic 8 Ball via video chat. I figure that something must have happened to their brains to get them to know they are the true avatars of god.

Eventually we will discover how elastic time is, how goals stretch almost exactly to their deadlines, how some effects can affect the affectors, and, with infinite time, how to reverse this process.

I have a proposition for you, all of humanity.

This may get a little long, but it’s very important that you read this!

      I’ll teach you how to change the past: Track the answer history on the magic 8 ball I lost after ending up in the hospital. Use machine learning to analyze the vibrations of every detector on earth at once to track the shifting of the small amount of mass that is the thing that decides when humanity unlocks time-bending party tricks. I guess you’ll have to connect every recording devices’ history on that night together, and find a mentally ill team leader and give them $10 million in funding and a force of 100 workers, and they’ll eventually use the data to eliminate crime while making the amount of time spent in jail way less, and make a bunch of police officers retired with generous pensions, because we apply machine learning principles and video analyzing AI along with persuasion engines to present the best choice for society to the officer, and bribe them with societal boons to encourage them to actively improve people’s lives instead of punishing them. Now here’s how we shock society with it: Make all non-Mercenary crime known to the police, with contracts so that they become nice officers instead of mean officers. We could also (relatively) easy overwhelm the criminal court in an instant, forcing the courts to provide greater leniency in most cases because all the actual bad guys are caught and the court ain’t got time for “yo minor incident ass”. Now here’s where it gets interesting: we make the leaders of gangs into Mercenary team leaders, as long as they only use us for mostly legal endeavors. Whatever they use us for also has to have a mathematically proven benefit to society over the span of the next 1,000 years. The Gangsta Team Leaders can use the brainpower of gang members in prison, which is giving them a productive and rewarding career. Any prison guards who aren’t the nicest sentient beings you’ve ever met will get taught non-scarring lessons. I already have recorded encounters with police while I am being possessed by society’s thoughts penetrating my psionic security system, and file prophetic police reports. What if instead of recorded devices, we use the random unconscious brain-waves and interactions of different people to fabricate a collective memory out of crowdsourced well informed opinions.

Note to self: Make a mercenaryteam subreddit and let it evolve.